the will to laziness

A profound and stubborn form of laziness has set in on me. Or rather, the desire for a profound and stubborn laziness--recent events have conspired to deny me my heart's desire, which is to sit down in the middle of the floor and just...do...nothing. For a very long period of time. And then when that bores me, to sit on the sofa in the middle of the day with garbagey magazines like People and Us and even worse ones, with the TV on and watching reruns of Project Runway. And then maybe have a gin and tonic at 3pm and laugh that there's no reason to wait until the evening because i am being very lazy. Truly doing nothing. At least nothing "productive" that is.

I seem to be graced (or is it cursed?) by the propensity to constantly fiddle with things and "be productive." While the outcome may seem quite satisfying at times (as in "wow--it's only noon and i've done SO MUCH already!"), at other times I wonder how much is a neurotic and perhaps even destructive tendency to not let my mind rest and really just reflect on things. How can one ask oneself if one is happy if they never have a moment to ask themselves this? Oh, not like I'm unhappy, it's just that I've never meditated or done yoga and i wonder if this might calm me down a bit.

I read a fabulous essay in grad school a few years ago entitled "The Importance of Being Lazy" (the author's name escapes me at the moment, but i know it was published in the journal Cabinet) and it talked of how "lazy" is a misnomer in that it is positioned as the antithesis of "productive". And that "production" or "productivity" today is inherently tied in with the idea of "work" which unfortunately is pretty much tied up with Capitalism (note capital "C", my addition). And because of the good ole Protestant work ethic that rules much of this here country, "working" and being "productive" are the means to making money. As opposed to being happy just doing what you want. What's called laziness can often be introspection, philosophizing, and ponderousness, which is VERY useful, and even runs counter to capitalist notions of "work".

People outside of art circles have a tendency to think that pursuing art as a career is FUN.--that I sit around all day in my studio and spill out my heart's desire (on a canvas, I guess) and that I am romantically pursuing my dreams outside of the regular "work" day which everyone else must participate in. Oh, are they wrong wrong wrong! Years ago my art practice turned into more managerial work than actual studio time (and half the time, the studio time is hated by me, as it is about merely executing an idea that I think is thrilling in my mind but absolutely a chore to make). Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I am the first to say that I wouldn't do it any different. It's just that it's also turned into a career of "work" as well.

I think I may need to think of a way to structure some long-term conceptual art performance in which I actually do NOTHING USEFUL for a long period of time. Unfortunately, due to my issues regarding productivity, I'd have to give it an art context so that I wouldn't feel guilty about not making art.

Oh, the conundrums! Bah! I'm just feeling bad that summer is almost on the way out and I have to start teaching again in about a month. Where were my dog days, my slow days, my nothing days? Nowhere! Argh!